and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace." -- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
This Bible verse became a favorite of mine after I read it at the funeral service of my beloved Papaw almost two years ago. Although I am Catholic, I do not consider myself a "cradle Catholic" and did not find myself in the front pew every Sunday morning. My faith has been something I have constantly struggled with, yet this Easter, I have decided to finally become Confirmed in the Catholic Church, because now is the time for that.
My family is Catholic. My dad grew up in a traditional Catholic home and my brothers and I were baptized Catholic. My mom was not originally baptized Catholic, but during our late elementary school years, she decided to join RCIA and was fully initiated into the Catholic faith when my brothers and I received communion at an Easter Vigil many years ago. Growing up, my family went to Church, but not routinely. Our parents never forced us to go to Church because they wanted our attendance to be a decision we made on our own. However, we did attend Religious Education classes on a weekly basis for several years and we decided as a family to attend a Catholic School for our Middle School years. I loved the experience of a Catholic school, yet at times, I felt that our religious classes were simply telling us what was "right" and what was "wrong" and that as Catholics, we were supposed to believe certain things, or we would not be true Catholics. This has been a common theme that I struggled with on the topic of Church.
On a positive note, one thing that I have always enjoyed about the Catholic Church is the Mass. Even if I zoned out at times, the Friday masses in middle school made me appreciate the Mass in itself. The music, the reverence, the group prayer. I fell in love with it and decided that ok, yes I was Catholic and I would go to Church every weekend and sing at the top of my lungs.
So I started to go routinely and was planning to enroll in Confirmation classes with the rest of my classmates. Yet on the eve of the first day of school of my 8th grade year, I learned the shocking news that one of my friends had been killed in a terrible accident. Suddenly, I hated God. Why would He take away one of my friends whom I spent sunny afternoons with? And then several weeks later, why would He allow my family to suffer when my dad lost his job? And even more so, why was He leaving me with so many questions unanswered? I felt no sign of His presence and decided I would not go to Church.
For high school, I went to an all-girls Episcopalian school. At this time, the difference in faith did not matter to me because I had lost all faith. I did occasionally go to Mass at Easter and Christmas but it wasn't the same.The chapel on campus was gorgeous and I always felt comfortable there during chapel services. However, it slowly made me miss Catholic masses more and more because I felt like something was missing. Coincidentally, when applying to colleges, I applied to mostly Catholic schools. Clearly, I missed the Catholic education system without realizing and at times, I didn't want to admit it.
So I visited campuses and slowly got back into the routine of attending Mass on a regular basis. Ultimately, I decided to attend the Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C. and I felt it was a great decision. I had the opportunity to live in the greatest city and to continue my passion of playing soccer while studying in the school's Honors Programs. Once I arrived to campus, I decided I wanted to further investigate my faith and began to enroll in RCIA classes to become a fully-initiated Catholic.
But then so many things happened. During my freshmen year, my brother ruptured his spleen and was in the hospital for several days and my dad had some sort of cardiovascular attack to where he was also in the hospital for several days. While all of this was happening, I didn't even have my outlet for soccer because I was injured and unable to play or practice. I, the nerd of all my friends, was even struggling with my classes and losing focus. So for the remainder of my freshmen year, I spent my days hardly doing anything and refraining from outside activities. Then came sophomore year. I came back from a positive summer and was ready to take on the year with a positive attitude. But then I had a career-ending injury that halted my soccer days. I was on crutches for 6 weeks before having hip surgery that placed me on crutches for another 6 weeks and basically had to re-teach my body how to walk, run, balance, sit down, change clothes, and many other things that I had taken for granted. It was at this point I had so much anger. Why were all of these negative things continuing to happen to me? I was always doing the right thing, always helping others, embracing opportunities and trying to stay positive. Thanks to the support of 4 wonderful friends I lived with sophomore year, I was able to maintain a positive attitude and have some fun for the remainder of sophomore year. Ok, I had this surgery that in my mind, ruined everything at the time, yet I survived (and I survived the supposed end of the world predicted by the Mayas) so things could not get any worse.
Yet once again, they did. The summer between sophomore year and junior year was one of the most difficult times I have ever faced. My Papaw passed away after weeks of ups and downs in the hospital and many scares, on and off machines, and ultimately I held his hand as he was taken off of life support. The worst moment was reading the above passage on the altar while I stood in front of his ashes. Personally, this was a devastating time as any death is, but even more devastating was witnessing the effects it had on my Nanny, my aunt, and other family members, but especially my mom. There was so much pain and hurt and grief among all of us, yet there was no solution or outlet for it. Instead of looking to God for support and healing, I was once again negative and turned away.
Fast forward to junior year. I lived with 3 girls who I had never met before. There was so much uncertainty that laid ahead and it was hard to be the positive person everyone had known me as. It was getting harder and harder to hide the pain. But the girls I lived with were so supportive without even knowing it. They aided me in the process of applying to study abroad and offered me so many upper classmen tips that eased some of the stress I was feeling. I also had great co-workers at a retail job that became an outside comfort in which I could always count on my co-workers for a good laugh (shout out to Brittany and Jordan). I was accepted to Study Abroad in Argentina, received a study abroad grant, and received an internship with one of the largest organizations to continue my developing passion. Everything was slowly getting back on track and closer to perfect.
And then abroad happened. The experience of a lifetime. Besides my iPhone being stolen and being stranded in Chile, there were hardly any negatives. I could go on and on about the experiences abroad but the most touching one was visiting the Church where the current Pope Francis was pastor. The way Catholicism was celebrated there was so different and I was brought to tears every time I entered the Church in Plaza de Mayo. Just pure beauty and speechless. So I came back from Argentina loving all things Argentine, and of course, especially the Pope.
Beginning of senior year, after a quick stop at home after returning from south of the Equator, and I felt comfortable and at ease, ready to take on Senior year. I started once again to look into the RCIA program, when I was interrupted by negative living experiences. Unlike many other times when negative things happened, this time I was oddly positive. So the shake up at the beginning of senior year was not ideal, but so what? I was still excelling in school, killing it at my internship, and found a new job serving at a bar that I have come to love. However, as I decided to discuss the topic of RCIA classes, I was told by several people that I was not able to attend the classes on-campus because of scheduling conflicts and there was not any other way. I had people who were discouraging me from pursuing my faith at this time instead of supporting and encouraging me to do so. At first this was difficult to grasp, especially since they were coming from leaders in the Church, yet I did not let it deter me. Ultimately, my aunt, uncle, and cousins were so generous to let me stay with them while I figured things out and made sure I was on the right path, and it was there in Arlington that I found my place.
Marymount University's Campus Ministry was so warm and welcoming in extending me an invitation to join their RCIA program, no questions asked. For once, I knew the time was right. In the past, there was time for hardship and negativity, grief and doubt. But now, I knew I wanted to be a fully-initiated Catholic. I knew I had found my place.
In conclusion (since this is a long post because like I said, I'm a talker), I was very negative towards God growing up and I didn't feel His presence and understanding why certain things kept happening. I blamed Him for everything and refused to go to Church simply because I felt I did not support the messages being sent. So as I read the selected passage above, I ask myself why now? Why wait 10 years to be confirmed when most people do it in 8th grade? Because despite all the doubts and fears and confusion I might have, I know the time is now. I know God has presented me with a time for everything, a time of death, a time of mourning, a time of tears, a time of hate, a time of tear, and a time of silence. Yet now is my time to celebrate. A time to heal, a time to build, a time to dance, and a time to embrace, a time to mend, and a time for peace. And what better time than Easter Vigil weekend, the greatest celebration of all?!
Besos everyone!
-Haley
RIP Papaw. Miss you everyday.
